The Joy of Grief

"Grief may be joy misunderstood; Only the Good discerns the good." - Elizabeth Barrett Browning

     Here's the big problem I see with the loss of a loved one:

     We want - even need - to honor the value our loved one brought to the world. We need to affirm our love for them. And our personal integrity and love prevents us from denying the joy their mere memory brings us. We do all this by holding onto our loved ones in our hearts. But our mental health, our functioning - sometimes even our survival - requires some kind of letting go, some kind of moving past the sadness.

     It's an impossible bind.

     There is no right way to resolve this dilemma, and each relationship with a person is unique. So no one can give us a solution. We must find resolution on our own, if we can.

     What words of comfort do any good?

     Still, I always tell grieving people that I hope they can somehow change their sadness over the loss of a valuable person into gratitude for the value that person brought to the world.

     For example, a few years ago, after the loss of my mom, I started sending cards to several mothers every Mother's Day. I'm celebrating what mothers do (the most important job on the planet).

     I cry when I write those cards.

     But the tears no longer hurt. They feel good.

     Bittersweet, yes.

     But good, like mom.

     Would you like to honor your loved ones? Hold onto the best of them without paralyzing yourself in grief? You can.

     What was that person's signature value? What was the most important thing they brought to the world? Celebrate that, in whatever way works for you.