Mysterious I

Science cannot explain what an ice cream cone tastes like. There is an I, a self, that tastes the world, something that experiences, but what is this I? Each of us is the only one who can know. We define our mysterious I and discover our I. No one can do it for us or even understand what we are doing. We don't really understand ourselves pardon the pun.

Magdi’s Answer

    The scroll would lead Mesheela. Lead her There.

    She worked the scroll. Worked it hard.

    Mesheela had a North Star. The scroll. She knew where she was going. Her life had meaning. Her life meant more than her life.

    What’s the big idea? She had the Big Idea. She knew what they didn’t.

    Mesheela has magical powers. She uses her powers for good. The scroll shows her how.

    She worked the scroll. The mysterious map. The runes led her. Divine symbols. She worked the map haaaaaard. She finished the scroll. She arrived.

    She has no idea where she is. The scroll failed. Mesheela failed.

*****

    Darshain wasn’t helping Mesheela find her way.

    “You wrote the scroll, right?”

    Mesheela knew what was coming. She said, “Yes, but …”

    Darshain said, “So you know which spells were used against you, and how they worked?”

    “Yes, Darshain.”

    “And you know which magical potions removed the spells, right?”

    “That’s history.”

    “Yes, but the scroll’s story of your journey as a magician equips you for the future! You were confused by your past, but now that you’ve done the research, you can see how to control your future. You won’t be controlled by the Ligidians any longer. And best of all, you’ve shown other magicians how to avoid the problems you had. You have glorified Magdi. This is just the beginning. This is bigger than you. This is your mission.”

    “This is the beginning of what? I rid myself of all that I’m not, but who am I now? I’ve arrived, and I have no idea where I am. Magdi guided me then. Now I’m rudderless.”

    “You still have work to do. Teach the young magicians. Help them in Magdi’s fight against the Ligidians. Our great god needs you. Now you’re a scribe who is shining the light of truth, as Magdi teaches.”

    “An author who inscribed a scroll no one reads. The truth is too hard for the masses to face. And without the masses, the fight is lost. An individual can only do so much. But that’s not the point. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to be defined by my past. Fighting is not Magdi’s Way. Our god is a god of peace and love. But the only ones reading the scroll are the warrior magicians. They already know what I’m teaching. But they use the spells for the wrong reasons. We’re not really on the same side.”

    “That’s just the point, Mesheela. That was your goal when you started out, remember? To teach both experts and masses the right way. You didn’t know the way yourself at first.”

    “The experts in the schools don’t want to hear me, Darshain. And you keep missing the point. I lack purpose. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. I want to kill myself. Really. I’ve done what Magdi put me on this world to do. I have nowhere to go. My life is meaningless now.”

    “You can promote the scroll. The purpose hasn’t changed, Mesheela. Get the word out.”

    “I have promoted the scroll. For months. No one reads it. And yet again, you miss the point. The scroll is my past. I can’t let that define me.”

    “So don’t. Define yourself. You can do anything you want. What freedom and power you have!”

    “You mean what emptiness I have inside me. Only if Magdi gives me direction do I have a worthy purpose. I’ve prayed, Darshain. I’ve prayed with all my heart. I hear nothing from Magdi. She is done with me.”

    “Only you can decide what you want. You can’t expect Magdi to tell you what you want.”

    “Maybe not. But I don’t know what I want myself. I only know I want direction. I had that when I was making sense of my past. I had a higher purpose: to help the world use the right spells and potions for the right reasons. I searched through myself. I searched through my memories of other people, of the world. I found answers. I’ve gotten rid of everything other people dumped on me. I know who I’m not, I just don’t know who I am. I’m totally lost.”

    “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! Your future is yours to make. Experiment. You don’t know what you want, so try new things until you find what you want.”

    “You mean diversions? Painting, vacationing, chatting philosophy with friends? Those are empty. Trivial. I’m talking purpose, Darshain. Not eating, drinking, and merriment. I need something worthwhile. I need a fire in my gut for something meaningful. That can only come from Magdi.”

    “No, that can only come from inside you … Here’s a question: What one thing do you like doing more than anything else?”

    “Looking for answers. Searching. And recording what I discover. That’s the problem. The only question I have now is: What next? And there is no answer to that. I’m empty now.”

    “No, you’ve answered your own question. You enjoy searching and recording your findings.”

    It hit Mesheela then. Write about another searcher. Make up a story. The searcher has the same problems I do. But she’s in a faraway kingdom. Look at me from the outside. Translate my problems into her problems. See what imaginary me does. Then I’ll know where I’m going.