Mysterious I

Science cannot explain what an ice cream cone tastes like. There is an I, a self, that tastes the world, something that experiences, but what is this I? Each of us is the only one who can know. We define our mysterious I and discover our I. No one can do it for us or even understand what we are doing. We don't really understand ourselves pardon the pun.

Magdi’s Answer

    The scroll would lead Mesheela. Lead her There.

    She worked the scroll. Worked it hard.

    Mesheela had a North Star. The scroll. She knew where she was going. Her life had meaning. Her life meant more than her life.

    What’s the big idea? She had the Big Idea. She knew what they didn’t.

    Mesheela has magical powers. She uses her powers for good. The scroll shows her how.

    She worked the scroll. The mysterious map. The runes led her. Divine symbols. She worked the map haaaaaard. She finished the scroll. She arrived.

    She has no idea where she is. The scroll failed. Mesheela failed.

*****

    Darshain wasn’t helping Mesheela find her way.

    “You wrote the scroll, right?”

    Mesheela knew what was coming. She said, “Yes, but …”

    Darshain said, “So you know which spells were used against you, and how they worked?”

    “Yes, Darshain.”

    “And you know which magical potions removed the spells, right?”

    “That’s history.”

    “Yes, but the scroll’s story of your journey as a magician equips you for the future! You were confused by your past, but now that you’ve done the research, you can see how to control your future. You won’t be controlled by the Ligidians any longer. And best of all, you’ve shown other magicians how to avoid the problems you had. You have glorified Magdi. This is just the beginning. This is bigger than you. This is your mission.”

    “This is the beginning of what? I rid myself of all that I’m not, but who am I now? I’ve arrived, and I have no idea where I am. Magdi guided me then. Now I’m rudderless.”

    “You still have work to do. Teach the young magicians. Help them in Magdi’s fight against the Ligidians. Our great god needs you. Now you’re a scribe who is shining the light of truth, as Magdi teaches.”

    “An author who inscribed a scroll no one reads. The truth is too hard for the masses to face. And without the masses, the fight is lost. An individual can only do so much. But that’s not the point. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to be defined by my past. Fighting is not Magdi’s Way. Our god is a god of peace and love. But the only ones reading the scroll are the warrior magicians. They already know what I’m teaching. But they use the spells for the wrong reasons. We’re not really on the same side.”

    “That’s just the point, Mesheela. That was your goal when you started out, remember? To teach both experts and masses the right way. You didn’t know the way yourself at first.”

    “The experts in the schools don’t want to hear me, Darshain. And you keep missing the point. I lack purpose. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. I want to kill myself. Really. I’ve done what Magdi put me on this world to do. I have nowhere to go. My life is meaningless now.”

    “You can promote the scroll. The purpose hasn’t changed, Mesheela. Get the word out.”

    “I have promoted the scroll. For months. No one reads it. And yet again, you miss the point. The scroll is my past. I can’t let that define me.”

    “So don’t. Define yourself. You can do anything you want. What freedom and power you have!”

    “You mean what emptiness I have inside me. Only if Magdi gives me direction do I have a worthy purpose. I’ve prayed, Darshain. I’ve prayed with all my heart. I hear nothing from Magdi. She is done with me.”

    “Only you can decide what you want. You can’t expect Magdi to tell you what you want.”

    “Maybe not. But I don’t know what I want myself. I only know I want direction. I had that when I was making sense of my past. I had a higher purpose: to help the world use the right spells and potions for the right reasons. I searched through myself. I searched through my memories of other people, of the world. I found answers. I’ve gotten rid of everything other people dumped on me. I know who I’m not, I just don’t know who I am. I’m totally lost.”

    “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! Your future is yours to make. Experiment. You don’t know what you want, so try new things until you find what you want.”

    “You mean diversions? Painting, vacationing, chatting philosophy with friends? Those are empty. Trivial. I’m talking purpose, Darshain. Not eating, drinking, and merriment. I need something worthwhile. I need a fire in my gut for something meaningful. That can only come from Magdi.”

    “No, that can only come from inside you … Here’s a question: What one thing do you like doing more than anything else?”

    “Looking for answers. Searching. And recording what I discover. That’s the problem. The only question I have now is: What next? And there is no answer to that. I’m empty now.”

    “No, you’ve answered your own question. You enjoy searching and recording your findings.”

    It hit Mesheela then. Write about another searcher. Make up a story. The searcher has the same problems I do. But she’s in a faraway kingdom. Look at me from the outside. Translate my problems into her problems. See what imaginary me does. Then I’ll know where I’m going.

Some words to think about when you're discouraged:

"Get a day job." - said by a publisher to J.K. Rowling after she had already encountered 12 rejections of her novel Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, which spawned a series that has gone on to sell over 450 million copies.

"It is so badly written." - Said by a rejecting publisher about Dan Brown's novel The DaVinci Code, which has sold 80 million copies.

"Too different from other juveniles on the market to warrant its selling." - From a rejection slip sent to Dr. Seuss, who has racked up 300 million in sales and become the ninth best selling fiction author of all time.

"I recommend that it be buried under a stone for a thousand years." - Said by a potential publisher about Vladimir Nabokov's novel Lolita which has sold 50 million copies.

"The girl doesn't, it seems to me, have a special perception or feeling which would lift that book above the 'curiosity' level." - From one of 15 rejections of the Diary of Anne Frank, which has sold over 25 million copies and long after it's first printing still speaks to girls around the world.

If these superstars collect that many crushing failures, it's only natural that we will collect a few too.

Preparedness

"Those who prepared for all the emergencies of life beforehand may equip themselves at the expense of joy." - E. M. Forster

"When you have to go to the bathroom, it's too lat...

"When you have to go to the bathroom, it's too late to build a latrine." - Chagdud Rinpoche

Mistakes

"A life spent in making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." - George Bernard Shaw

"Nothing will content him who is not content with ...

"Nothing will content him who is not content with little." - Greek proverb

Owning our Power

"Bad companions or not, no one can force us to do anything without our consent. Every day may bring dozens of invitations to cynicism, negativity, self-pity, stinking thinking - but we can turn them down. If we accept, however, we have only ourselves to blame

... We are the ones with both the bad habits that need to be overcome and the power to overcome them. It is we, not anyone else, who hold the key to all that power." - Ernie Larsen and Carol Hegarty

Procrastination

"Procrastination is not an indication that we have failed. How realistic would it be if we looked forward to doing unpleasant things? It's human to avoid what we'd rather not do.

As we free ourselves from the burden of perfectionism, we're free to better accept our responsibilities. Meeting deadlines as well as we can, one at a time, pays off in serenity and a manageable life. When we are crisis-ridden, we are forced to live by other people's demands, rather than by our choices ... We can forgive ourselves, try to laugh at ourselves, live in the present, and keep going. Today can be better than yesterday." - SK

Contagious Courage

"Courage is personal. All of us hammer it out - or don't - in the privacy of our own souls. No one can be courageous for you any more than you can be courageous for someone else.

Yet ... When any of us takes a stand, a model has been created to inspire the rest of us ... All human words and deeds are something like radio transmitters. Vibrations and messages are going out from us constantly ... Even though our intention isn't, and shouldn't be, to 'wow' other people - it's good to know that our personal sweat, as a side effect, might water somebody else's garden." - Ernie Larsen and Carol Hegarty

Indispensible "The graveyards are full of indispe...

Indispensible

"The graveyards are full of indispensable men" - Charles de Gaulle

Fear-Strength

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror, I can take the next thing that comes along.'" - Eleanor Roosevelt

Principles "It is always easier to fight for one'...

Principles

"It is always easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them." - Alfred Adler

Labor Days

"Good for the body is the work of the body, good for the soul the work of the soul, and good for either the work of the other." - Henry David Thoreau

Realization "When you realize there is nothing la...

Realization

"When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you." - Laozi

Peace, man

"Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. Nothing can bring you peace but the triumph of principles." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Go Clubbing "Don't loaf and invite inspiration. L...

Go Clubbing

"Don't loaf and invite inspiration. Light out after it with a club." - Jack London

Two-Dog Jack and Jill

There is a part of all of us which resists our poor choices, creating an inner conflict. Even if we end up taking a wrong path, our inner conflict indicates that we would like to be something better. Poor choices flow from giving up the hope of being our best self. So striving to be our best self is the root of all good choices. Or as the saying goes, the dog we feed gets fatter. We all have the potential to be great.

Prevent and Heal Sexual Abuse

Please do your part to prevent and heal sexual abuse by sharing the link to my gripping new memoir, "Roller Coaster to Hell and Back: A True Story of Sexual Abuse and New Hope":

https://www.amazon.com/Roller-Coaster-Hell-Back-Sexual/dp/1546388257/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1494958849&sr=8-1&keywords=Roller+coaster+to+hell+and+back

The Wisdom of Imperfections

Let's face it: We are all imperfect. Should we count this against ourselves?

We could rag on ourselves for our unwise choices and mistakes. But who deserves more credit: A robot who does its job perfectly every time - or those of us who fail at times, who must scratch and claw for our accomplishments?

Don't we prove ourselves daily by working around or overcoming at least some of our character defects?

What does it say about us that we try - imperfectly - to overcome our fears? What does it say about us that we often choose to push through our desire to give up? Don't we deserve credit for functioning - sometimes even thriving - in spite of our weaknesses?

Perhaps there is wisdom in our flawed designs. After all, our imperfections provide opportunities for personal growth. Our occasional cavings into harmful temptations highlight how we are the kind of people who usually make tough choices to do the right thing.

Are you giving yourself the credit you deserve for overcoming many of your limitations?

Non Excellence?

"The sad truth is that excellence makes people nervous." - Shana Alexander

     Why are many of us so afraid of other people's virtue, great accomplishments, and success?

     The easy answer is that we envy the greats; that we don't like how we look when compared to them. We resent people who can do what we cannot do ourselves.

     But could it be that, on the contrary, we do see a little of ourselves in great people? Perhaps what bugs us is that we know we could do great things too, but haven't?

     When you get right down to it, there is no reason hundreds of thousands of people can publish their mediocre books, but you cannot write and publish your good one ... except that they believe in themselves and have put in the work.

     There is no reason a refugee from Syria can come to the U.S. with nothing but the clothes on her back and little to no English and build a business empire, but you cannot ... except she believes in herself and has put in the work.

     There is no reason a college dropout can invent a toilet cheap and efficient enough to enable dirt-poor third world people to stop defecating and urinating in their drinking water supplies ... saving millions of lives ... but you cannot ... except he believes in himself and has put in the work ...

    ... And you don't believe in yourself, or haven't put in the work, or both.

     Yet you do have reason to believe in yourself. You have survived in a brutal world for many years. When you needed to, you found inner strength you didn't know you had. You have never, ever, given yourself enough credit for this. None of us have.

     That ideal you have ... that dream ... Yes, that one. It is within your reach.

     Believe in yourself. And put in the work.

     You can.

The Meaning of Life

     What is the meaning of life?

     Perhaps the meaning of life is this:

Life.

     Does life get in the way?

     Is life a bitch?

     Is life a bowl of cherries?

Or can life be something else?

     What does life mean to you?

A Journal Entry The Day Before A Terrifying Zip Line Outing

I just wrote this journal entry, when pondering how I and others would react and respond were I to fall and die tomorrow when I go zip lining with my friend Shawn. I have not edited this:

3-17-17

     It's not a matter of "What would I do without God" - There would BE no me w/o Him. My choosing center, the essential "I" that senses and wills, is entirely God's creation. THAT'S why He knows my heart. It's all just Him. Love. Energy. Suchness.
     I don't belong to me. I am the property of my Creator whether I know it or not. THAT'S why I need to do His work as I understand it. He could snuff me out in an instant. I and my plans proceed only with His permission.
     So it goes beyond "I have no choice but to trust in something." It's "All there is is God. Choose Him or choose oblivion."
     It's so obvious and that's why I haven't been able to see it. I've been choosing oblivion - darkness. I now choose THIS. Now I can see because I'm looking.
     Yet again God has told me I'm complete. My life is enough. It has been enough. Thank you My Lord. You have given me all I really need. I can die without regrets. I trust you will tell those who remain that it's O.K. Don't mourn me. Live your lives. They are gifts from your maker. There is nothing to be afraid of. No reason to mourn that one who was satisfied with his life. Who saw God for a brief moment and that moment is Eternal.
     There is no need to commit suicide and rob God of the joy of seeing His toy - me - his offspring, play a while longer. But there is also no need to cling blindly to a life that isn't mine.
     These are just urges. God - and we - are so much more than that. Infinitely more. An instinct for survival is just one of God's tools.

All That Matters

"All anybody needs to know about prizes is that Mozart never won one." - Henry Mitchell

I'd say all anybody needs to know about their own behavior is whether

1) Their goals are

• Important right now
• Achievable
• Worthy of them 

2) The methods they are using to pursue their goals are

• Effective
• Efficient
• Humane

If we meet the above six criteria, we should be doing the right things the right ways.

Body and Sprit

"A spirituality that is divorced from the body becomes an abstraction, just as a body denied its spirituality becomes an object."- Alexander Lowen.

     Is it really true that there is a war between our minds and bodies - between our logic and our emotions - between our conscious and subconscious minds - between our spirit and our flesh?

     Wouldn't it be more accurate to say that we are units with many different aspects ... And sometimes we artificially isolate one of those aspects from the others? Sometimes we ignore our guts. Sometimes we don't listen to reason. Sometimes we indulge our bodies in hedonism or float away in our heads.

     As I sit here soaking up the sound of bird chirps and the sight of one of my cats, Sparklet, draped over a shelf next to a window looking out on weeping willow trees after a rain, the spirit never seemed less disembodied. I feel my Higher Power in my bones. S/He/It is some indescribable wholeness within and around and on and over and through and Beyond me.

     And spirit can flow through your body too. Balance is the key. And awareness.

Who Are You Talking To?

                                               "You can't pray a lie."

                                                      Mark Twain

     Communications experts, speaking instructors and writing coaches all say to target our words at a specific audience. This makes our words relevant and powerful.

     There are those who say our real audience is ourselves; If we write for ourselves, we will reach our kind of readers and listeners.

     What if we addressed all our words to God, to the Universe?

     When a person is in front of us, we would speak to the Divine within them. Appeal to their best self.

     When we are angry, we could then show the our listeners the respect Job's complaints showed the Lord in the Bible.

     Of course people are not actually God, not the Universe. For one thing, they don't have that much power. For another, they don't always have our best interests at heart.

     But how much time do we want to waste talking to their lesser faces?

     What I like most about addressing my words to God is that this makes me more honest. I can still lie to myself, and thereby to the Universe. But I'm not really kidding anyone.

     That's also what scares me most about doing all my talking to God, to all of Reality.

     But what good does it do us to lie?

The Confidence Of The Skeptic

     It has been claimed in reference to the notoriously skeptical philosopher David Hume that no one is so gullible as a skeptic. There is some reason to think this is also a good way to look at Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the character Sherlock Holmes. Holmes was supposedly very observant, logical, intelligent and scientific. Yet his author, Doyle, fell for many of the supernatural fads of his day.

     I count myself a skeptic. Yet I now choose to affirm my solid trust in a Higher Power many people would say is a figment of my imagination.

     I explained some of what went into this in my post The Best Possible Decision. I see no need to defend the reasons for my faith any more than I did there and will do in my forthcoming memoirs. I can prove to myself as well as anyone can really prove anything that my trust in my Higher Power is well placed.

     But I do want to address the contradiction some might see between calling myself a skeptic and taking such a dramatic leap of faith.

But aren't skepticism and faith opposites?

     Although I discussed in the post I mentioned that we have no choice but to trust something, whether we admit it or not, I will concede that the evidence -or lack thereof - suggests the wise path would be not to expose oneself to danger by blindly trusting anything.

     Having set aside the question of proof and evidence, it's now possible to look more scientifically at the attitude of the skeptic and of the faithful. We prejudice the question of the real essence of a person's mindset when we argue over whether it's the best one or not. Truth about one aspect of a question can sometimes distort our interpretation of related truths by overshadowing them.

     We "know" that skeptics lack confidence in beliefs, while the faithful have few or no doubts about their convictions. And because we "know" this - and because it's true in many cases - we blind ourselves to the fact that an attitude of confidence and an attitude of doubt have no necessary connection at all to being skeptical or faithful.

     Put simply: A skeptic can be very confident in his conviction that a lot of beliefs are highly questionable. He can even be absolutely certain of it. Meanwhile, the faithful may choose to act with absolute fidelity to their beliefs, yet still be afraid that their truths are false.

Even if they aren't opposites, don't they lead in different directions?

     The key thing to understand about the skeptic is that he usually has far greater grounds for confidence in his evidence-bounded beliefs than the trusting man has for confidence in his sweeping faith ... if it turns out the skeptic's beliefs really are more limited by the evidence than are the true believer's. All else being equal, the less you concede, the more likely it is you won't be wrong.

     So how can I be skeptical and full of faith as well? By having examined the question of trust and faith rigorously.

     The key fact I realized when I took a truly skeptical and scientific approach to faith is that the Universe did not leave me a choice as to whether to trust. I have no way of knowing whether the food I eat is poison, I just take that on faith. I don't know whether the air is poisoned. I don't even control my next breath. Sucking air is an act of faith.

     In short, I was skeptical of the view that faith is an irrational, unscientific approach to the world.

     So skepticism led me to faith in the Universe.


     

   

The Real Problem

"Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way - that is not easy."- Aristotle.

     There is really only one psychological problem holding us back - each of us individually and all of us together. This problem is a victim mentality.

     We hear it everywhere: Trump is oppressing me or Clinton is oppressing me or taxes are unfair or no one listens or why doesn't someone fix the environment or I can't help it (i.e. I'm disabled somehow) or you make me feel (fill in the blank) or I'm no good (i.e. a victim of myself) ...

     We all get victimized. Sometimes we need to defend ourselves. And anger can be a positive motivating force at times. But being a victim is a choice.

     Being a victim is the choice to either passively accept your victim status and get walked on, or to fight back - in other words, it's a kill or be killed attitude. The law of the jungle.

     With everyone harping on how unfair life is, is it any wonder the world is messed up? A victim mentality - a kill or be killed mentality - justifies anything, no matter how inhumane or unjust.

     That's something to think about the next time you get angry.

     If you ever doubt whether a victim mentality is a kill or be killed attitude, just visit a prison and see who most inmates think the real victims are.

     Are you really a victim or just afraid of something (afraid of taking responsibility, afraid of accepting your powerlessness, afraid of being inadequate when you do exercise your power ...or ...?

     Because anger is inseparable from fear. Anger and fear are just different forms of our fight or flight response to danger. In essence, fear comes from believing we are vulnerable. And we often are.

     How much more scary it is, however, to be a victim ... So we fight the demons we blame for our vulnerabilities ...

     Yet how empowering to be an honest human who admits vulnerabilities and addresses them constructively. How empowering to be one who sees her or his own virtues and vices in other people ... who isn't ruled by the law of the jungle, who stands up for what's right without sinking to the level of a criminal.

     Is life unfair, or is it just life?

Black and White

Why is it I've never been able to

See blended in me neat

The good and bad I see in you

Only the illusion of perfect or flaw complete?

The Light of Night

An insight after a night's rest;

Personal growth after terrible suffering;

Newfound intimacy with a loved one after a heated argument;

Sometimes a dark night is needed to illuminate.

The Beyond Is Here And Now

I see the "Beyond" - beyond the known, beyond the controlled, beyond the current limits of the self - as the direction we take to grow. I also see the Beyond as the source of creativity. And as something Divine.

Here's the paradox: We don't move into the Beyond only by turning inward and imagining that things are different. We also taste the Over There by focusing on This; We go There through here and now.

It makes sense though, doesn't it? The here and now is ever-changing, ever moving out there beyond us, beyond our control, beyond what we have known.

Isn't the inner ever-evolving too? How much difference is there, really, between inside and out if the one constantly adapts to the other?

The Joy of Grief

"Grief may be joy misunderstood; Only the Good discerns the good." - Elizabeth Barrett Browning

     Here's the big problem I see with the loss of a loved one:

     We want - even need - to honor the value our loved one brought to the world. We need to affirm our love for them. And our personal integrity and love prevents us from denying the joy their mere memory brings us. We do all this by holding onto our loved ones in our hearts. But our mental health, our functioning - sometimes even our survival - requires some kind of letting go, some kind of moving past the sadness.

     It's an impossible bind.

     There is no right way to resolve this dilemma, and each relationship with a person is unique. So no one can give us a solution. We must find resolution on our own, if we can.

     What words of comfort do any good?

     Still, I always tell grieving people that I hope they can somehow change their sadness over the loss of a valuable person into gratitude for the value that person brought to the world.

     For example, a few years ago, after the loss of my mom, I started sending cards to several mothers every Mother's Day. I'm celebrating what mothers do (the most important job on the planet).

     I cry when I write those cards.

     But the tears no longer hurt. They feel good.

     Bittersweet, yes.

     But good, like mom.

     Would you like to honor your loved ones? Hold onto the best of them without paralyzing yourself in grief? You can.

     What was that person's signature value? What was the most important thing they brought to the world? Celebrate that, in whatever way works for you.