Making Choices

The toughest and most important thing we can do is make choices. So people convince themselves they don't have a choice. Genes, environment, and most of the rest of psychology can easily degenerate into one big excuse.

Success

"To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - that is to have succeeded." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Crime “Prevention”

Existing crime "prevention" policies, whatever their "good intentions," are spreading crime; it's no secret that giving "offenders" - what a dehumanizing term - criminal records often makes people homeless, jobless, resentful, unstable, and lacking in social support - all factors pushing them back toward lives of crime. Placement on one of the multiplying array of registries, (not just for "sex offenders" any longer) aggravates the problems while simultaneously chewing up and spitting out law enforcement resources that could have been used on prevention that - perish the thought - actually works, like education.

What's so appealing to me about fighting for the rights of the "worst of the worst" from a practical perspective is that any positive changes for "them" which bring our laws more in line with the Constitution while reducing crime have a trickle-down effect on "lesser" crimes and "offenders."

For example, counterproductive "sex offender" registries have been declared perfectly constitutional on the basis of what Supreme Court Justice Kennedy called our "frightening and high" probability of committing new crimes. This was based solely on a long-since discredited re-offense rate from an "expert" author of a Psychology Today article. Re-offense rates for all crimes are controversial, and sex crimes especially so, but whatever the real numbers, research consistently shows lower observed re-offense rates for "sex offenders" than for "non sex offenders." This means that by the Supreme Court's reasoning, "non sex offenders" belong on registries even more than I do.

You might take a moment to mentally contrast my desire to protect everyone, from innocent victims to repeat "offenders," with the conventional approach of singling me out for cruel and unusual punishments, - which the Supreme Court has erroneously ruled aren't actually punishments, so new ones can be added after I've served my time. Did you catch that last part, those of you who have ever rolled through a stop sign? The day may come when your punishment never ends too.

Moving Forward

"I'm not so much about the why. I'm more about What can you do differently moving forward?" - Patty Sneed, the best counselor I've ever had.

If I had a nickel for every mental health professional I've told my story to, I could pay off Donald Trump's billions in debt and then maybe he wouldn't feel such pressure to pay his undocumented workers bare subsistence wages - a win for everyone. And I'm not the only one who went to therapy under the impression that all you have to do is dig through your painful past until you understand yourself and then you'll be cured. Twenty-five years after my first therapy session, however, I'm still telling my story and I can still know exactly why I shouldn't smoke and do it anyway.

When I told a friend I start the first class in a psychology PhD Monday, she said, "Good, then when you're Doctor Hanley maybe you can refer me to someone who can fix me."

After explaining that I won't be that kind of doctor, I said, "Anyway, I can fix you now with three simple words: 'Make healthy choices.'"

She protested, "I'm trying to do that!"

I said, "I know. But you'll notice none of the three words were 'pain-free.' or 'easy.'"

A Lot of Knowledge

In my life, when the stakes have been high it has taken more courage to take on minor uncertainties than it has to take on major known dangers. A man with a gun out in the open would probably scare me less than entering a strange house where there might be someone dangerous.

Yet my knowledge has been an even greater enemy than my uncertainty when, instead of staying in the day, I've let my fear hold me back because I "knew" what was coming.

They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. (Call 1-(800)-THEY-SAY if you don't believe me.) But a lot of knowledge can be even more dangerous if it controls us.

Good Days

There's a bumper sticker saying something like, "A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work." What convinced me I should go back to writing these posts regularly is my version of that bumper sticker: "Any day I write creatively is a good day." By composing something every morning, I guarantee my day has been a fulfilling success almost before it's started.

I submit that you can ensure you have no truly throwaway days if you figure out how to complete the sentence, "Any day I (fill in the blank) is a good day." I'm convinced there's some activity or accomplishment that perfectly suits each of us and tells us we're living a meaningful life every time we do it.

Reactors

Family and other loved ones can be like the fuel in our gas tanks, or they can act like a stuck emergency brake we have to release to move forward.

I've been blessed with supportive loved ones, but even they wouldn't have been enough to keep me going if I hadn't detached with love from several people who "brought out the worst in me." That's a rather irresponsible way of saying it, though; the truth is they were just living their life by their rules and I became my worst self in response to those rules.

My biggest mistake was thinking my stagnation or outright regression around certain people meant I needed to work something out with them; really it was a sign I wasn't being true to my own values (or just as often, hadn't fully worked out what my code was).

Much as I wanted to be independent, I was a follower (a reactor).

It's easy to rebel; any fool can charge a machine gun nest. Truly "leading" our own life in a way we can "live with" is our greatest challenge.